Werk it!

I went for a jog last week at a park that is nearest my house. I was supposed to go to UP but there’s a heavy traffic that time so I didn’t continue my adventure there.

I went to QC Memorial Circle for a jog because the night was perfect and I was so determined to jog that time so I did. As soon as I set foot there, I started to Run and then I felt pain somewhere near McBurney’s point. I didn’t mind it because I think that it was just the effect of not stretching before jogging. Anw, I’m all fine. But the next two days were hell. Please do remind me to stretch before I Jog. I had DOMS!!!

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On another note, while  I was running-slash-jogging-or more like-walking, I jostled into three guys who were holding a paper that read “Hug for a cause”. When I got closer, one of them was approaching me with a very creepy-perv smile. Eeeew. He wasn’t even that good looking (I’m sorry). I jogged off. But the place was a little bit small so I bumped into them again like THRICE. What the hell. I think they didn’t get what they were looking for because nobody went near them. Poor kiddos. Awww.

I burned around 300Calories? I don’t know. I’m not sure. But I’m kinda sure that I was able to cover 3++ freakin miles. Yay! Hooray!

After that we didn’t go home immediately. My sister and I decided to hang out there a bit. The place was already lit up. It was nice so I took the chance to do my thing. I’m gonna share some of the photos I took.

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P.S.
I’m so sorry guys. I’m too lazy to post-process the photos. 😐

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Butterfly Fly Away

I thought I was over you so I told myself that I’m over you. But why do i still get crazy little butterflies flying in my stomach when i see you. I can’t even look you in the eye. WHY?

This thing they call love is really an ass. Why do I get the feelings back at the time when I least need them. The part that kept me hanging was the fact that WE JUST STOPPED TALKING. It wouldn’t really bother if we weren’t THAT close. You were like my guy bestfriend in College. I USED TO tell you almost everything. But now… I’m left with the USED TO things. It really hurts to lose a friend. A really close one. I feel bad that someone built Great Wall of China in between us. I could see you from a distance. Sometimes a row or seats away from me but I can feel like there’s a galaxy filled in between. I just miss talking to you. I just miss you. I just want my friend back. So much.

I’m sorry I fell in love with you. I didn’t know that I did. And I tried to stop it but I just fell more. I kept a little distance because you had someone. I respected that. I didn’t want to ruin what you had but I still stood by your side as a friend. Some things just made us drift apart. Maybe we didn’t noticed that we were standing at two plates. We just realized how far apart we are when we can’t see each other anymore. It was too late to save what we once had. But if we’re really drifting apart, let me at least say thank you.

Thank you for being an ass. A sweet ass who taught me that life isn’t just filled with lemons. Sometimes, there’s pineapple. But most of all thank you for the friendship you gave me. For the bond we once had. But as for now, I really do have to say goodbye. To the one friend I miss the most. I loved you… LOVED. But I still miss you. Every single passing day. I do.

xx,
Dasha

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Sink or Swim

Na na na na na. I don’t know why I used that as  the title. I’m not sure why but earlier today, I thought I was sinking, courtesy of my “friend”. I was too lazy to go back to Manila last October 29 during the regular enrollment so I planned to take the late enrollment. It works for other people before so I thought that it would work for me too.

I lined up early in the MISD Office this morning to get a copy of my registration card BUT THEN I saw that my name was HIGHLIGHTED and they told me to go to the OFFICE First. So I went up to the Dean’s Office and asked why my enrollment was on hold. They asked me if I had an outstanding balance and I said ‘no’. Then they asked again if I was a regular student. Then… that was the time the wheels turned. I said that I still hadn’t checked my Physiology standing but I was expecting that I passed. Before going to the Physiology department I went to meet up with my friends first before hearing what could be an unfortunate fate.

When I arrived at the TYK Building, my batchmates were piled up at the ground floor waiting for the elevator to arrive. We were still waiting at the ground floor when this person approached me. I was talking to several familiar faces telling them what happened back there when this person approached me. I think she overheard our little discussion so she butted in and TOLD ME THAT I FAILED THIS PHYSIO SUBJECT. It felt like my whole world fell apart. Just as when I thought I was swimming, somebody else was sinking wanting to be saved but didn’t realize that she was actually pulling another person down. We reached the room and I approached my friends and told them what happened and added the “Bagsak DAW ako sa physio” part. I felt like crying that time but my tears just won’t go out. They told me that they would come with me to check my standing again. They too were surprised when I said that I ‘failed’.

I saw another friend who wasn’t enrolled yet and whose name was also highlighted in the list. That was the time that everything sank in again. I realized that the list handed to the MISD Office was THE OFFICIAL LIST OF REGULAR STUDENTS. She said that she was just lacking a Form-137 that was why her enrollment was on hold. I felt alive again. So we went to the Registrar’s office and that was when I found out that I WASN’T ABLE TO SURRENDER MY HIGH SCHOOL REPORT CARD. Soooooo. That was when all the misery ended. They just asked me to write a letter saying that I should submit my report card till November 15.

i felt like screaming “WHAT’S UP MOTHER CHUCKer?!?! I’M A FRIGGIN THIRD YEAR REGULAR STUDENT. EAT YOUR ASS.” inside the room but then I didn’t because that wouldn’t feel right and I would hurt the others who doesn’t need to get hurt. Other people who have feelings to. BUT I JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE, KICK AND KILL THAT PERSON!!! but of course, I won’t because i would just be sending myself to Juvi. Oh well papel.

Lesson learned? Try to swim when you’re sinking. If you need to lose a little weight you’re carrying, DO IT because not all the people around you is helping you swim others are pulling you to sink with them.

-Dasha 🙂

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Kiss Your Dream Goodbye

I’m pretty sure that we all had our childhood dream. Some of use are still chasing it, some may still be dreaming it, and some… ALREADY LIVING IT. That’s what we all want. To live the dream we dreamed. But we will always come to a point where we have to either shift to a new dream or to continue fighting for it.

Nobody said it that it’s going to be easy. There will always be so many seas to cross, storms and floods to get through before we could get to where we want to be. The finish line is always far and there are tons of obstacles you need to overcome before you get there.

There will be times when you’re gonna feel like giving up because there are a lot of things affecting your dreams. Sometimes, the people around you are such downers BUT you have to always believe in yourself that YOU CAN. Because if you don’t believe in yourself, then who will? Go and Prove them wrong.

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I don’t even know why I’m writing this but lately I’ve been thinking about quitting school. Not really quitting but stopping for a little while. I’ve always hated how my mom calls me and rants that she has no more money to pay for my tuition fee and for all her debts. I know I may sound like a bad child (I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN) for speaking like this but it annoys me so much. If she can’t pay for my schooling then why send me? I have always worked hard to earn passing marks to tell her how thankful I am for what she is doing. I know it is my responsibility to study well but if she continues to rant like this then I won’t be able to concentrate.

I called her earlier asking about the remaining balance I need to pay in school but then she gives me this long lecture about how I need to save money. I have always envied my classmates who doesn’t need to worry about this kind of stuff because they don’t have any reason to. I just wanna be of help to my mother. But if she continues to rant like this to me then maybe I should stop studying and just go home. I can’t take this anymore. There’s still an extra one kiao I need to pay in school and i can’t ask her for that because she said that she has only 200 bucks left in her wallet. Now I’m the one carrying the burden of finding out ways on how to cover this. Sometimes, I just want to die to get off all the bullshit. This thing they call Life, sucks.

…and maybe some dreams are meant to remain as dreams. And sometimes, believing in yourself is not enough because you always wanted somebody else to believe in you, to think that you’re not alone in this battle. To have someone to hold onto when your world is falling apart. Many people would tell you that God won’t give up on you but we always wanted a concrete human being to be there for us. Someone to give us a hug when we’re feeling down and someone who will tell us that we can do it. But we always have to remember that we can’t get everything we want. At least being alone is not a problem for me already because I have been living (feeling) alone for nearly eighteen years now.

Ciao!

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Guidance

The other day, I went to the Guidance Counselor’s office. YES! THE GUIDANCE-FREAKIN-COUNSELORS OFFICE. AND NO. Not because I did anything stupid but there was this Routine Interview kind of thing that WASN’T COMPULSORY but I did go there because I am OBEDIENT (choss!!!).

I went there right after I finished my physiology practicals because I just want to get rid of whatever the fudge they wanted me to do down there. IT WAS A MISTAKE. People there were so positive and they’re all like keeping my hopes up. I’ve had my hopes up for like 17 freakin’ years and I am not doing that this time around. I am smart now. Smart enough to know the things that would make or break my feelings (HEARTS DON’T BREAK, fyi).

I thought psychologists or what-so-ever counselors understand how you feel but actually they’re just like one of those people who give you positive and shitty advises that’s SOOOOO easy for them. I don’t know why I even went there the first place. I won’t go back in there ever again!!! basically because if I follow what they said, it wouldn’t just break my mother’s feelings but mine too. It’s better to keep our relationship this way because if I do any other stupid crap more, it would just drift us further apart. I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings because I know how bad it would feel. I’ve had my feelings ripped apart a lot of times. Trust me. It hurts like hell.

So anyway, I don’t know why I’m saying this maybe just to let it all out. So yeah.

Mad,
Dasha

My Friday the 13th

My Friday the 13th has been postponed yesterday and was moved to today. I have experienced the hellest of hell today. It felt like all the bad luck in the world stroke me. Up till now I’m not feeling any good.

This afternoon, my mom called me asking if I could go over to her meeting’s venue and accompany my step dad. Then she changed her mind and asked me to go to the near mall, so I went there. When I got there, I called him then he told me that he was in my mom’s meeting. It felt like WTF because I spent like Php90.00 for a cab to get there and another extra fifty to buy a prepaid load to call them. So I took a trike and the dude just charged me another FIFTY for that ride. -___- It took all the extra 200.00 I was saving.

So i fetched him then we went to TriNoma because he just wanted to go there. When we arrived, he had to change his dollars so I waited for him. He gave me “chaching-chaching”, a blue bill. I kept it in my pocket and then God-knows-what-happened, I lost it. It fell somewhere in between all those crazy steps I did. I only knew that I lost it when I was paying the book I was buying. Luckily I had an extra cash on hand that time BUT!!! That blue bill was supposed to be my allowance for this coming week. How am I supposed to cover that up???

This day couldn’t have gotten any worse. It broke me, my heart, and my feelings BIG TIME! I just hope that I get something good in the future. Unless this was my karma for all the stupid things I’ve done then maybe I deserved this. I just hoped that karma didn’t strike me in this kind of way. It hit me really hard.

Where I think my money fell. Huhuhuhu.
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e-Books vs. Real Books

At some point in my life (when I first got my iPad), I was so fond of downloading and reading e-books but then I saw a random picture of a bookshelf in instagram. That’s when I came back to my senses like ‘Hey! What are you doing with all those e-books?’

So I rushed to the nearest bookstore and bought a paperback copy of whatever book I’d like in there. And so I bought a copy of John Green’s ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ as everyone told me that it was REALLY good. BUT I didn’t read the book at once because I still had a book in my shelf which I hadn’t finished reading (up until now, it’s been stacked at the side of my bed for almost 6 months now). It was only last week that I had the chance to read John Green’s TFIOS, and I have to say that it was is AWESOME!!! Naah! This post isn’t a review about TFIOS so I’m not gonna say anything about it.

Anyway, I stopped downloading e-books and just went to the bookstore to buy real books. But do you ever get depressed when you leave a bookstore empty handed? Sometimes I feel like when I enter a bookstore, I always have to leave with a bag in my hand. Maybe that’s what happens most of the time. Everytime I walk in a store, I always feel like I’m in heaven. When I see those shelves packed with all sorts of books (even the ones I don’t read) I always feel like I’m in heaven. Opening those stacked books and smelling their print (I know, weird). Too bad our libraries here in the Philippines aren’t like the libraries I read about in other countries where they house fictions and sci-fis and other kind of stuff.

Right now all the e-books in my iPad were deleted because I kind of forgot my iPad’s password and had to sync it so every single thing stored there was washed a way like a wave in the beach. :((

Right now, I have a long list of books to buy and read. I know there are e-books already. They’re a lot cheaper (sometimes free) but they ruin the feeling of finishing a book. Where you see the right side of the book your holding getting thinner and thinner every time you flip a page. I thought that maybe I’ll wait for my birthday or christmas which is 3 months away but then I stopped and asked myslef again ‘Do people in your environment know you?’ And then I walked back to reality.

xoxo,
Semi-bookworm Dasha

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Because of this particular photo, I left the virtual world of books and went to the classic ones because I wish to have a BOOKSHELF in my own house when I grow up.

Achievement

Does your achievement come with a price? Do you get a reward, small or little when you tell your parents about what good happened to your exams, quizzes, or your grade? Did they ever tell you that you did a great job and that you should keep up the good work? It’s not very often that when you get a high grade, or you pass a quiz, or you get a passing or high score in your exam, you get a reward from someone else. Or maybe that’s just for me.

During my entire existence, achievements and accomplishments in college, I never heard my mom tell me that she’s gonna give me something in return for getting a 1.0 in my Algebra or an average of 1.something during one semester. Because honestly, it just feels so unfair that my sisters get something like an extra allowance or anything. I mean like, I’m studying my ass off just to finish college but they don’t even show any sign of industriousness. I know I shouldn’t ask for anything in return because what I’m doing right now is also for my own benefit. But hey! I’m also your daughter. Hello?

At some point in time during my first year of college, I was so proud of the grade I got in my zoology 1 class. That subject was so effin’ hard but I still passed. I told my mom the grade I got and guess what she said? She told me that maybe I could do better. I know it wasn’t that high of a grade but that wasn’t the kind of response I expected. From then on, I never told her any of my achievements or grades. But when I get a really high grade, I can’t help but tell it to her because of euphoria. And her response just breaks my heart.

I never really felt that I was good enough for her, but I never gave up on my self. I keep on telling myself to strive harder every single day just to hear sweet compliments from her. I will never give up on my dream. I know that this studying is also for myself but sometimes you need to hear some words of encouragement and appreciation from people, especially from your parents, your mom. That’s all I wanted to have but life doesn’t give you everything you want.

I feel so alone in this particular chapter of my journey. I’m struggling so much that I always felt like giving up. I have no friends in school, i have no one to talk to. I don’t have anyone in my life. I just need someone to talk to. Someone who would understand my struggles, someone who is willing to listen to my stories, achievements, and accomplishments. But I guess, I’ll never find a friend.

All I’ll ever have is myself. Whatever happens, I’m still so proud of what I have and where I am right now. I’ve gone a long way thru and now isn’t the right time to give up. Screw everybody! For as long as I think that I still have myself with me, I know I can get through with this life, with all the bullshit, struggles, and lemons it has been throwing me. For as long as I know that I wouldn’t give up on myself and all the things I’ve already started.

I know you would be asking me about his post. Why did I even put it up, because I just need to express all of the emotions I am holding in right now. I still have 5 or 6 more exams coming up this week and I can’t study with all these feelings.

Most people would think how bad of a child I am because I know that nobody would ever understand. Judge me all you want because I wouldn’t even care on what you have to say. You never knew me or my struggles! You don’t have the right but again, hey! People are born to judge other people. That’s a fact. For now, I have to say that this sucks.

Love,
a middle child. ❤

Chin up loves, we can make it through. I can't help but cry writing this post.

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Breakdown

What would you do if you realize that you don’t want this dream anymore but you’ve already gone a long way? It’s kind of depressing and frustrating actually. I know I am suffering the consequences of not putting a strong foundation because what I have is so weak and easy to destroy. The only choice I have now is to either let it collapse or try and make it strong, stronger.

I guess I realized my dream too late. When I’m already at the point where there’s already o turning back. Maybe fulfilling a childhood dream isn’t really what I ever wanted. Maybe I didn’t want to be a doctor all along. Maybe I just fancy the title of being called doctor. What if i really wanted to be someone else? A lawyer for some instance.

Shifting into a new field that is so much different from what you are taking up now is really too much to handle. As I have always told myself “Finish what you started then go make a new one?” I’m not really enjoying much of what I am doing now. I don’t understand why. I thought studying the human body was fun, dissecting and all stuff. But I always envied other people who excelled in this field. My friends, who were all top of the class, and me, just another lonely girl having her name listed on the bottom.

But honestly in this path, I’m not sure if i could call them friends. Even my family, I don’t know. It’s like ACET all over again. I’m so depressed and frustrated and stuff tonight. I don’t really know what to do with my life. I don’t want to leave this field and this school just yet. I have to make an effort to survive. I have to do all the best i could to own this thing. But I am so tired of hearing this statement from myself. Honestly, right now, I need to hear it from someone else. From people whom I wanted to hear it the most or maybe from some random stranger I pass by at a street or from other people reading this blog post. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING. Most of the time, I just wish to die than be a burden and an embarrassment to my kind. I cannot afford to fail one subject. I cannot afford to disappoint my mother who thinks so highly of me. I’m at my lowest right now and I think I just need a hug. But for now, I’m gonna cry myself to sleep.

xoxo,
Dasha </3

Break Even 08.26.13

And so the horror begins again. MIDTERMS2013 is on the way. I’m sure every student out there is studying their ass off. And so am I. 😫 I know, I still have time to write this but really, I have no more time. I’m trying to concentrate but I can’t. And maybe this is one way of keeping all the negatives and the distractions out. Clearing my head a bit. All I wanna do is to sleep but I can’t. The motto for now is: “SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.” Let it all out now and claim the prize at the end (I hope.) LBM (Laban Bawi Mode) is ON! Let’s do this. I hope you pray for my success too. 🙂

Love,
Doctor in the Making, and Future PTRP,
Dasha ❤

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