I remember the line from Will.i.am & Britney’s song saying “Just scream and shout and let it all out.” At some point in our lives we’re gonna do this for fun or for really just blurting how we really feel. And in my case I think I just spat it all out. I didn’t scream though. I kept myself composed and cool.
It was our block’s or rather batch’s Christmas party at one of my friend’s house. And as expected, booze was around. thank you. The person I was waiting for came in a little late and stuff. Before he got there when people were saying his name, I always get teary eyed and start to half cry. I can’t really explain how or why. It just comes. Then by the moment he arrived, people were all gathered around him, welcoming him. And there I was seated in the corner trying to make myself busy. But I really can’t hold my feelings. I started to sob so I escaped the bunch of people. I sneaked out of the house. I was crying. I was sobbing and I didn’t understand why. I blame my lacrimal glands so much on why they had to act that way.
some of my friends saw me and gathered around me asking me why, and all I could tell them was “I. DONT. KNOW.” Because I didn’t really know. They told me that at some point we had to talk. I did know that. I still need to give his gift because I accidentally reaped his name in the box full of other people’s name. Maybe it was fate.
I gave him my gift. As I gave it to him words like “NAIINIS AKO SA’YO”. And then I walked away. He followed. He asked. All I could reply was that I still need to comfort my crying friend. They told me that we should talk and I said later. He went out.
Later that evening, I found myself sitting on the floor just outside the washroom, CRYING. No, sobbing. I was ranting about everything. I broke down too. Like my friend. People gave me a handful of tissue and tried to comfort me asking me stop. And at some point, I did.
Thank you to R-OH that I had all the courage to call him and talk to him. Whatever I said will remain between us. I was crying in front of him. I was weak. He gave me hi hanky to wipe away my tears. Bla bla bla. He was asking me to stand up. He was already giving his hand. I didn’t take it. I stood up and went the other way and sat down again. And then cried again ranting that I miss my grandfather so much. And he said some assuring words that I would never expect him saying. He brought out his hanky again. This time, he was the one who wiped those freakin tears away. I took it. And after that, I ASKED FOR A HUG!!! Would you believe? Everything went cool and felt like nothing awkward happened. I just hope that nothing awkward will ever happen again.
The other day, I went to the Guidance Counselor’s office. YES! THE GUIDANCE-FREAKIN-COUNSELORS OFFICE. AND NO. Not because I did anything stupid but there was this Routine Interview kind of thing that WASN’T COMPULSORY but I did go there because I am OBEDIENT (choss!!!).
I went there right after I finished my physiology practicals because I just want to get rid of whatever the fudge they wanted me to do down there. IT WAS A MISTAKE. People there were so positive and they’re all like keeping my hopes up. I’ve had my hopes up for like 17 freakin’ years and I am not doing that this time around. I am smart now. Smart enough to know the things that would make or break my feelings (HEARTS DON’T BREAK, fyi).
I thought psychologists or what-so-ever counselors understand how you feel but actually they’re just like one of those people who give you positive and shitty advises that’s SOOOOO easy for them. I don’t know why I even went there the first place. I won’t go back in there ever again!!! basically because if I follow what they said, it wouldn’t just break my mother’s feelings but mine too. It’s better to keep our relationship this way because if I do any other stupid crap more, it would just drift us further apart. I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings because I know how bad it would feel. I’ve had my feelings ripped apart a lot of times. Trust me. It hurts like hell.
So anyway, I don’t know why I’m saying this maybe just to let it all out. So yeah.
I don’t have that much time to blog so here’s a quick post of my super late summer getaway. hashtag patikim.
I only have one week of summer vacation because we have our summer class! And that one week vacation was the holy week. ): Poor Me. Though it was only one week, I still enjoyed it. We went to the beach, rode the zip line TWICE! and I was able to read a novel! (=
I don’t want to squeeze everything in this one post so I think I’ll make a new entry for a detailed story. Cheers guys!
I’m not really sure though about pursuing this new blog segment but I have a lot of things running in my mind. Most of these are stories that I create or imagine. I really have the urge to write about those, to even compose a song about the lines but I don’t really know how to express it. So I am hoping that as I make this segment in my blog, the things running in my mind would be shared. (; Hope that you’d read it someday. Who knows if it would turn into a book or a novel? HAHAHA