What would you do if you realize that you don’t want this dream anymore but you’ve already gone a long way? It’s kind of depressing and frustrating actually. I know I am suffering the consequences of not putting a strong foundation because what I have is so weak and easy to destroy. The only choice I have now is to either let it collapse or try and make it strong, stronger.
I guess I realized my dream too late. When I’m already at the point where there’s already o turning back. Maybe fulfilling a childhood dream isn’t really what I ever wanted. Maybe I didn’t want to be a doctor all along. Maybe I just fancy the title of being called doctor. What if i really wanted to be someone else? A lawyer for some instance.
Shifting into a new field that is so much different from what you are taking up now is really too much to handle. As I have always told myself “Finish what you started then go make a new one?” I’m not really enjoying much of what I am doing now. I don’t understand why. I thought studying the human body was fun, dissecting and all stuff. But I always envied other people who excelled in this field. My friends, who were all top of the class, and me, just another lonely girl having her name listed on the bottom.
But honestly in this path, I’m not sure if i could call them friends. Even my family, I don’t know. It’s like ACET all over again. I’m so depressed and frustrated and stuff tonight. I don’t really know what to do with my life. I don’t want to leave this field and this school just yet. I have to make an effort to survive. I have to do all the best i could to own this thing. But I am so tired of hearing this statement from myself. Honestly, right now, I need to hear it from someone else. From people whom I wanted to hear it the most or maybe from some random stranger I pass by at a street or from other people reading this blog post. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING. Most of the time, I just wish to die than be a burden and an embarrassment to my kind. I cannot afford to fail one subject. I cannot afford to disappoint my mother who thinks so highly of me. I’m at my lowest right now and I think I just need a hug. But for now, I’m gonna cry myself to sleep.